wild and passionate and dangerous

i have had a tough couple of days. these are days i don't particularly want to blog about, but at the same time feel enough need to mention them to appease the emo/attentionseeker/dramaqueen inside myself.

i seem to be a magnet for situations i know are going to upset me. this is not helping me either because i feel cloudbourne and being whisked away from the safety of my friends. I can't remember if i felt this way last year when everyone parted ways, or if it was different because we left things on such bad terms last year. i think it does have a lot to do with living back home though. i'm not enjoying being back where i can't do what i like. i enjoy getting up late, going to bed late. cooking meals at 11pm. i have my own particular schedule that falls short of circadian, and it's disrupted here.

the creep has shimmied his way back into the picture of my life. the picture hanging squint on the wall. full of promises of change which are already beginging to melt away.

he struck up a conversation out of the blue, full of questions as to how things are going, asking about how my flat is etc. etc. etc. it was all fun and games. having a laugh and a joke. he asked to meet for a drink. i agreed &told him to text me. he did, surprisingly, and he replied to every text.

then i woke up this morning and gave him a text out of sheer boredom and got a reply asking who i was, because lo and behold, broken phone. i am sick fed up of that shit. so i texted him back, pretty jovial considering how pissed-to-the-fuck-off i was and have a golly jolly guess if he replied. your options are no and no.

i'm so annoyed, but more at myself for thinking things would be different this time. i thought i was different but clearly things are not. clearly i'm not. will i always do this? pick the one boy in my life, get to know them so well, fall madly in love with them then be left alone when i can't take seeing them any more? this is the second time this has happened people. second time i've stuuupidly fallen in love with someone who will never be able to love me back.

so this bad mood has led to a lot of comfort eating, then a lot of guilt induced starvation to counteract said comfort eating and it's safe to say that being in a house constantly stacked with food is not as good as one may initially think. snacks have a tendancy to become three course meals. i went into the kitchen for a banana earlier. it turned into a banana, a cheese and crisp sandwich, two bournville creams (which i don't even like, they were just satisfying my chocolate craving) and a bar of dairy milk. this was quickly followed by toast with melted cheese and four fish fingers not an hour later.

yes people, i am a greedy bastard. i am even eating a feasters burger as i type this. the thing that blows my mind with feasters is the way the bottom of the bun remains at boiling temperature for about five minutes. i may have just found a way to heat the world while ending world hunger. nominations for my nobel peace prize can be sent to Mr. Einstein@nobelprize.org (disclaimer: that's not a real email, please don't email it)

today, outside the anger at the creep, i have done nothing but sit and watch episodes of buffy. tantalising i know. i have quite enjoyed my day, and my 6 million cigarettes outside in the sun listening to mogwai. r u still in2 it is possibly my tune of the moment.

i know i'm writing absolute drivel today, quite without my usual panache but my mind isn't working on any intense or deep levels today. i'm just having a good old fashioned mope so that when i wake up tomorrow for work at the glorious hour of 5am i'll be in a passable mood. will have to get the game face on i'm betting.

for the rest of this evening however i'm overdue a facemask and a bath. colour me homo.