Ok so it is now something in the realm of ten hours later and i've still not been to sleep. I'll fill you in on what I decided to do after I knocked another couple of hours off my life then i'm going home.
First of all I read some particle physics regarding the CERN facility from some magazine my dad had bought for me. My dad does indeed buy me science magazines. He's still waiting on the day i'll put down my paintbrush and pick up a test tube. That's a pretty broad analogy but it works and I am actually too tired to think up anything with any more depth or distinction to it.
CERN scares me, these crazy men in white coats have no idea what's going to happen when they smash some of these particles together. They are trying to recreate the energy created by the big bang... I have a slight issue with that in regards to that the energy created in the big bang is the only energy we have, through conservation of energy. That sentence makes me sound like i'm saying it's going to run out.
Let me rephrase.
What I meant to say was that the energy created in the big bang was so astoundingly huge that it has powered everything we have ever done since. I might be being stupid and that might not neccesarily be true but it holds water in my mind. So these crazies are fucking around with that.
Also, and i know this makes people sound all sorts of crazy when they start mentioning this, but the CERN reactor could potentially make mini black holes. The scientists hope this is the case, even though they don't have a contingency plan for it, should it happen. I don't know what that plan would involve except for running very very fast and praying to anything that would listen. Now I don't remember ever in all the years of learning i've done -ever- hearing about harry the happy black hole who maybe wouldn't suck everything around him and compress it into a singularity. Just like I haven't heard about Andrew the alabastor star who doens't emit any heat.
"Aahhaa", the scientists wave their bony fingers over some delicate machinery and glare at me through their safety goggles. "If it does create a mini black hole the gravity of the planet will crush it out of existence. You're perfectly safe"
Hold the bus. We are talking here, about the earth, who's gravity is really pretty negligible as far as forces go, and a black hole, who's gravity is immense. I'm sure if it gets down to it our planet will win, i am completely sure.
It is pure delusion with just a bit of crazy stupidity thrown in. Who cares what's inside a hadron when you crack it open? All that's going to happen is that we're going to find more stuff to break in half and find out what's in that. It will keep going and going and going forever and we'll have so many particles out there we wont be able to see the forest for the trees.
It's not physics, it's a kid who takes it's fish out the goldfish bowl to see what will happen. We all know just how that story ends.
I feel much better for getting that off my chest, and also strangely sleepy.
So over the course of my rage induced come down i went browsing over the internet for things which would upset me, and did things i knew would end badly. These visitations include videos i knew would upset me and having a bit of a bebo creep.
Thus enforcing my reputation as a crazy delusional man.
I am going away home to have a sleep and play my guitar, then to drown my sorrows later with some beers. Take care
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Making bad choices
Today, in order to celebrate my first Saturday off of work in god knows how long I decided to visit my mum and dad, eventually time moved on and i decided not to go home, but to stay here instead.
only one problem.
i don't have a bed here anymore so I had to sleep on the living room floor. I couldn't bring myself to sleep on the floor so i have now decided to just stay up until the buses start at half six and I can get the bus home. What a fantastic idea. Then i'll go home to mines and sleep allll daaaay.
There is no fault with my plan so i would enjoy it if you would stop looking at me like that.
I am experiencing a little bit of health drama recently. I keep feeling very faint and have fainted a couple of times. Went to the doctor, he did tests, there was nothing there. long-story-short i may possibly have a heart defect. isn't that going to be fun?
i'm quite excited because i have to get and ultrasound on my heart and i feel like i could potentially be pregnant with an alien baby. that would be amazing if it was actually possible and didn't just stem from me watching too much x-files.
fag break time
only one problem.
i don't have a bed here anymore so I had to sleep on the living room floor. I couldn't bring myself to sleep on the floor so i have now decided to just stay up until the buses start at half six and I can get the bus home. What a fantastic idea. Then i'll go home to mines and sleep allll daaaay.
There is no fault with my plan so i would enjoy it if you would stop looking at me like that.
I am experiencing a little bit of health drama recently. I keep feeling very faint and have fainted a couple of times. Went to the doctor, he did tests, there was nothing there. long-story-short i may possibly have a heart defect. isn't that going to be fun?
i'm quite excited because i have to get and ultrasound on my heart and i feel like i could potentially be pregnant with an alien baby. that would be amazing if it was actually possible and didn't just stem from me watching too much x-files.
fag break time
Friday, 14 August 2009
Sunday, 2 August 2009
live from the gobi desert
the heat is too much to bear today. i've taken two steps outside and ended up with a criminal case of b.o. what a shiter
i've decided that wandering around in the heat is too much to bear so ive taken up residence on my window ledge and am watching the public drift past. my thought is that if the sight of the thronging masses wearing clothes only acceptable in the carribean drives me to suicide im in the best possible position.
time for toast one thinks. its too hot for coffee so i may make some and mix it with ice, as the caffeine depravation is killing me and my remples are beating me into submission.
i love blogging from my phone. x
i've decided that wandering around in the heat is too much to bear so ive taken up residence on my window ledge and am watching the public drift past. my thought is that if the sight of the thronging masses wearing clothes only acceptable in the carribean drives me to suicide im in the best possible position.
time for toast one thinks. its too hot for coffee so i may make some and mix it with ice, as the caffeine depravation is killing me and my remples are beating me into submission.
i love blogging from my phone. x
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Sunday, 14 June 2009
go on girl
two posts in so many days. what the buggery is wrong with me?
work was an absolute trial yesterday and i about died with exhaustion. and i broke with my saturday night tradition and didn't manage to leave early either. all this was not contributing to happy josh. instead it lent to a very sleepy and irritable josh. it was not enjoyable.
I'm feeling alright today however, which may have something to do with the fact that I slept until 1 in the afternoon. that's right ladies and gentles. 13.00. i dreamt that someone said they recognised me from that 'i'm running sainsbury's' show they're broadcasting on channel4 just now. hillairious, in every way except from being actually funny.
i've had quite a lot of boy-centric drama recently. been blown off three times by the same guy, and not in the good way. which is a complete pisstake. once i could forgive, two i was pissed but could have got past it, three is just a total joke. I was so angry, but he thinks it's alright for him to phone me when he's feeling a bit upset and i'll talk him down.
no regard to my feelings, they're inconsequential, but his are all consuming and clearly more important. asshole. one word to sort it all.
so today i'm planning on sitting and chilling, watching some shit weekend t.v. and possibly do a bit of monoprinting if I can find my printing ink. i'm wanting to get ahead on my book i have to make for uni, and i think that if something's not broken, don't fix it. monoprints have worked fine in the past, so why not now? you don't know? neither do i.
peace out
work was an absolute trial yesterday and i about died with exhaustion. and i broke with my saturday night tradition and didn't manage to leave early either. all this was not contributing to happy josh. instead it lent to a very sleepy and irritable josh. it was not enjoyable.
I'm feeling alright today however, which may have something to do with the fact that I slept until 1 in the afternoon. that's right ladies and gentles. 13.00. i dreamt that someone said they recognised me from that 'i'm running sainsbury's' show they're broadcasting on channel4 just now. hillairious, in every way except from being actually funny.
i've had quite a lot of boy-centric drama recently. been blown off three times by the same guy, and not in the good way. which is a complete pisstake. once i could forgive, two i was pissed but could have got past it, three is just a total joke. I was so angry, but he thinks it's alright for him to phone me when he's feeling a bit upset and i'll talk him down.
no regard to my feelings, they're inconsequential, but his are all consuming and clearly more important. asshole. one word to sort it all.
so today i'm planning on sitting and chilling, watching some shit weekend t.v. and possibly do a bit of monoprinting if I can find my printing ink. i'm wanting to get ahead on my book i have to make for uni, and i think that if something's not broken, don't fix it. monoprints have worked fine in the past, so why not now? you don't know? neither do i.
peace out
Saturday, 13 June 2009
i can't believe in you
i hate working late on a saturday, not just for the fact that i rarely go out after it so it ruins my weekend social life, but because i hate the waking and lying around waiting on going to work. It really bothers me and I get really annoyed.
today for instance, i've got up, chilled, listened to come tunes and chain smoked out the kitchen door. i have things i could be doing. i could be tidying my pit of a room, i could be playing guitar, i could be drawing, but instead i fret about going to work, because saturdays are always shit. they go sooo slowly and i get deeply bored because there's nobody exciting to speak to. they're all dull and deeply troubling. there has to be something wrong with people who go out of their way to work saturday nights.
in my mind these people don't socialise, and they don't go out and get blindingly drunk, so i have little in common with them. i'm aware that's not stopped me being friends with people before, and some of my best friends are the ones i have least in common to, but these people have no chat. chat's important. chat's what makes the world go round, and these people are dumb mutes.
it is, in a word, traumatic.
i fucking hate late saturdays
today for instance, i've got up, chilled, listened to come tunes and chain smoked out the kitchen door. i have things i could be doing. i could be tidying my pit of a room, i could be playing guitar, i could be drawing, but instead i fret about going to work, because saturdays are always shit. they go sooo slowly and i get deeply bored because there's nobody exciting to speak to. they're all dull and deeply troubling. there has to be something wrong with people who go out of their way to work saturday nights.
in my mind these people don't socialise, and they don't go out and get blindingly drunk, so i have little in common with them. i'm aware that's not stopped me being friends with people before, and some of my best friends are the ones i have least in common to, but these people have no chat. chat's important. chat's what makes the world go round, and these people are dumb mutes.
it is, in a word, traumatic.
i fucking hate late saturdays
Friday, 29 May 2009
wild and passionate and dangerous
i have had a tough couple of days. these are days i don't particularly want to blog about, but at the same time feel enough need to mention them to appease the emo/attentionseeker/dramaqueen inside myself.
i seem to be a magnet for situations i know are going to upset me. this is not helping me either because i feel cloudbourne and being whisked away from the safety of my friends. I can't remember if i felt this way last year when everyone parted ways, or if it was different because we left things on such bad terms last year. i think it does have a lot to do with living back home though. i'm not enjoying being back where i can't do what i like. i enjoy getting up late, going to bed late. cooking meals at 11pm. i have my own particular schedule that falls short of circadian, and it's disrupted here.
the creep has shimmied his way back into the picture of my life. the picture hanging squint on the wall. full of promises of change which are already beginging to melt away.
he struck up a conversation out of the blue, full of questions as to how things are going, asking about how my flat is etc. etc. etc. it was all fun and games. having a laugh and a joke. he asked to meet for a drink. i agreed &told him to text me. he did, surprisingly, and he replied to every text.
then i woke up this morning and gave him a text out of sheer boredom and got a reply asking who i was, because lo and behold, broken phone. i am sick fed up of that shit. so i texted him back, pretty jovial considering how pissed-to-the-fuck-off i was and have a golly jolly guess if he replied. your options are no and no.
i'm so annoyed, but more at myself for thinking things would be different this time. i thought i was different but clearly things are not. clearly i'm not. will i always do this? pick the one boy in my life, get to know them so well, fall madly in love with them then be left alone when i can't take seeing them any more? this is the second time this has happened people. second time i've stuuupidly fallen in love with someone who will never be able to love me back.
so this bad mood has led to a lot of comfort eating, then a lot of guilt induced starvation to counteract said comfort eating and it's safe to say that being in a house constantly stacked with food is not as good as one may initially think. snacks have a tendancy to become three course meals. i went into the kitchen for a banana earlier. it turned into a banana, a cheese and crisp sandwich, two bournville creams (which i don't even like, they were just satisfying my chocolate craving) and a bar of dairy milk. this was quickly followed by toast with melted cheese and four fish fingers not an hour later.
yes people, i am a greedy bastard. i am even eating a feasters burger as i type this. the thing that blows my mind with feasters is the way the bottom of the bun remains at boiling temperature for about five minutes. i may have just found a way to heat the world while ending world hunger. nominations for my nobel peace prize can be sent to Mr. Einstein@nobelprize.org (disclaimer: that's not a real email, please don't email it)
today, outside the anger at the creep, i have done nothing but sit and watch episodes of buffy. tantalising i know. i have quite enjoyed my day, and my 6 million cigarettes outside in the sun listening to mogwai. r u still in2 it is possibly my tune of the moment.
i know i'm writing absolute drivel today, quite without my usual panache but my mind isn't working on any intense or deep levels today. i'm just having a good old fashioned mope so that when i wake up tomorrow for work at the glorious hour of 5am i'll be in a passable mood. will have to get the game face on i'm betting.
for the rest of this evening however i'm overdue a facemask and a bath. colour me homo.
i seem to be a magnet for situations i know are going to upset me. this is not helping me either because i feel cloudbourne and being whisked away from the safety of my friends. I can't remember if i felt this way last year when everyone parted ways, or if it was different because we left things on such bad terms last year. i think it does have a lot to do with living back home though. i'm not enjoying being back where i can't do what i like. i enjoy getting up late, going to bed late. cooking meals at 11pm. i have my own particular schedule that falls short of circadian, and it's disrupted here.
the creep has shimmied his way back into the picture of my life. the picture hanging squint on the wall. full of promises of change which are already beginging to melt away.
he struck up a conversation out of the blue, full of questions as to how things are going, asking about how my flat is etc. etc. etc. it was all fun and games. having a laugh and a joke. he asked to meet for a drink. i agreed &told him to text me. he did, surprisingly, and he replied to every text.
then i woke up this morning and gave him a text out of sheer boredom and got a reply asking who i was, because lo and behold, broken phone. i am sick fed up of that shit. so i texted him back, pretty jovial considering how pissed-to-the-fuck-off i was and have a golly jolly guess if he replied. your options are no and no.
i'm so annoyed, but more at myself for thinking things would be different this time. i thought i was different but clearly things are not. clearly i'm not. will i always do this? pick the one boy in my life, get to know them so well, fall madly in love with them then be left alone when i can't take seeing them any more? this is the second time this has happened people. second time i've stuuupidly fallen in love with someone who will never be able to love me back.
so this bad mood has led to a lot of comfort eating, then a lot of guilt induced starvation to counteract said comfort eating and it's safe to say that being in a house constantly stacked with food is not as good as one may initially think. snacks have a tendancy to become three course meals. i went into the kitchen for a banana earlier. it turned into a banana, a cheese and crisp sandwich, two bournville creams (which i don't even like, they were just satisfying my chocolate craving) and a bar of dairy milk. this was quickly followed by toast with melted cheese and four fish fingers not an hour later.
yes people, i am a greedy bastard. i am even eating a feasters burger as i type this. the thing that blows my mind with feasters is the way the bottom of the bun remains at boiling temperature for about five minutes. i may have just found a way to heat the world while ending world hunger. nominations for my nobel peace prize can be sent to Mr. Einstein@nobelprize.org (disclaimer: that's not a real email, please don't email it)
today, outside the anger at the creep, i have done nothing but sit and watch episodes of buffy. tantalising i know. i have quite enjoyed my day, and my 6 million cigarettes outside in the sun listening to mogwai. r u still in2 it is possibly my tune of the moment.
i know i'm writing absolute drivel today, quite without my usual panache but my mind isn't working on any intense or deep levels today. i'm just having a good old fashioned mope so that when i wake up tomorrow for work at the glorious hour of 5am i'll be in a passable mood. will have to get the game face on i'm betting.
for the rest of this evening however i'm overdue a facemask and a bath. colour me homo.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
i am oddly smelly today which is understandable because I had a HORRIBLE sleep last night. kept having really insane and lifelike dreams about bizarre things like being in the underground with the house lights on and chatting to randoms.
so aaanyway, have absconded from my throne in the city center and am back kipping at mum and dad's for a little while. i am deeply enjoying the fact that i can eat while being skint and mum's even go so far as to buy me fags. i'm sensing that they miss me and are enjoying having me back, even if i've been a moaney little twat who doesn't stop whinging about boys/being skint/work/people irritating me. i think i even had a little whinge about there being nothing on t.v. oh mr moir, how far you have fallen.
i think i'm feeling bad about the whole moan factor because it's completely unnessecary. i have very little real problems to moan about right now. summer is stretching in front of me like a long persian rug with a very exciting pattern to it, i have somewhere to live next year which isn't whitfield, enjoying making new friends while still chilling with old ones. life is blissfully simple at the minute. how long it stays that way we will see. possibly the only constant present is my complaining.
on a completely different note tambot leant me a short guide to nearly everything which i am possibly enjoying yet detesting at the same time. im enjoying the tiny pieces of new information it's given me. i'm not enjoying the pages upon pages i'm having to read in order to get to this new information. filled with things i already know, and not to sound like a prick, but understand better than the author. the three paragraphs on doppler shift being the biggest example i can think of.
in other news relatives from london have landed in dundee and are depending on me for a good time. perscription from doctor pressure is in the post. i hate to break the news to them that i'm fully booked all weekend. they'll just have to look to the other members of my family with interesting social lives to keep them occupied... could be a boring visit for all of them.
so aaanyway, have absconded from my throne in the city center and am back kipping at mum and dad's for a little while. i am deeply enjoying the fact that i can eat while being skint and mum's even go so far as to buy me fags. i'm sensing that they miss me and are enjoying having me back, even if i've been a moaney little twat who doesn't stop whinging about boys/being skint/work/people irritating me. i think i even had a little whinge about there being nothing on t.v. oh mr moir, how far you have fallen.
i think i'm feeling bad about the whole moan factor because it's completely unnessecary. i have very little real problems to moan about right now. summer is stretching in front of me like a long persian rug with a very exciting pattern to it, i have somewhere to live next year which isn't whitfield, enjoying making new friends while still chilling with old ones. life is blissfully simple at the minute. how long it stays that way we will see. possibly the only constant present is my complaining.
on a completely different note tambot leant me a short guide to nearly everything which i am possibly enjoying yet detesting at the same time. im enjoying the tiny pieces of new information it's given me. i'm not enjoying the pages upon pages i'm having to read in order to get to this new information. filled with things i already know, and not to sound like a prick, but understand better than the author. the three paragraphs on doppler shift being the biggest example i can think of.
in other news relatives from london have landed in dundee and are depending on me for a good time. perscription from doctor pressure is in the post. i hate to break the news to them that i'm fully booked all weekend. they'll just have to look to the other members of my family with interesting social lives to keep them occupied... could be a boring visit for all of them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)